Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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