so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
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