someone get that fucking seahorse.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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