I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
