Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
