I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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