So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
