wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
