Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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