my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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