I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
