it was like eating out sand paper
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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