i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just pee around me
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
