I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
