Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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