i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
