Already got asked if we're dating
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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