If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
