I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
