I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
