My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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