just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
