drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
