Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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