Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I have feelings that need drinking.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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