You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
