Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
