this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
