bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
