Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
