**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
