why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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