i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
