just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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