just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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