cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
