wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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