just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My ass is underappreciated
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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