i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
