My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
