he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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