Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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