Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
