The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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