defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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