shes about as inviting as chlamydia
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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