haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
