Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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