Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
