You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
