Well apparently he's into motor boating.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
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