yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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