did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
